I came to this land of snow and opportunity in search of religious and sexual freedom. My previous attempts at at self expression back in the swamp of my forefathers were met with much chagrin and grief from my fellow neighbors. It was as if they had no respect for the message I was trying to spread.
Thus, I set out in search of land rumored to be free of persecution and prudishness. Little did I know of the challenges I was soon to face in my future endeavor.
I had heard about a voyage, through the grapevine, of a conquest to this fabled land that was to be the last of its kind. Through sheer cunning and bribery I was able to secure the last ticket of this final adventure to the new world. These conquistadors that were to lead the trip consisted of a strange group of fellows whom I later learned set out to the land with the sole intention of enslaving the indigenous population and exploiting their natural resources for pure monetary gain.
I suspected their ultimate motive was to eventually amass enough of a fortune to hire an army to overthrow the current monarchy in the homeland. I could not argue with their motive as I do not consider myself a political man, but I was disgusted with the means of how they intended to achieve this goal.
Unfortunately I did not learn of this plan until the voyage was well under way.
The first stop of my journey was directly outside the library of the main town of Summergate. I was wary as I was already a wanted man around these parts, but having no other choice, I found a dark niche, out of sight, and planted myself there in wait. I sat there and waited for my contact to arrive for a grueling 5 minutes.
Finally, after many moons and meat showers, my travel agent arrived. He was dressed in the finest of gart and I immediately took a dislike to the character of this man. He demanded payment upfront, which was suspicious enough, but even after the payment he refused to hand me my ticket, holding it about my head just out of my reach, taunting me relentlessly. After I managed to swipe the ticket from the wretched man through the flurry of insults and barbs, I kicked him in the shin and ran to the nearest airbus office to redeem my prize and to finally begin my journey.
The first part of the trip there was short and uneventful aside from a slight bout of unwarranted flatulence, but it too passed, much like my previous life was passing below my very feet. It was during this time I began to overhear the crew speaking of their treacherous plan.
At first it was small snippets of treasonous talk overheard every now and then. But one night, whilst in my cabin, I overheard a conversation through the floorboards of the captain and a crew chef talking of their shady arrangements they had made with local slave master. I was aghast with their intention. This was to be a land of sexual freedom, not one of slavery and greed.
It was at this moment that I realized that I must take action against these foul pirates and save these innocent people from what would surely be a miserable existence.
I held this new-found knowledge close as I did not want to let the crew on to the fact I knew about their plan, as that might incite them into distrust and, ultimately, violence. I did not want things to pop off before I had time to prepare myself for what was surely to be my greatest fight yet.
Throughout the remainder of the trip, I gathered resources necessary to put forth a formidable resistance to the evil that was brewing aboard. Sneaking out of my cabin at night, I gathered a stick, a feather, and three pounds of pork chops over the course of a week. I was prepared. Finally, I felt the altitude begin to drop as we made our final descent to our final stop. I grabbed my stick and feather, and packed my pork into my stockings.
The fight was soon to begin.
As soon as I felt us touch down I sprang into action. I found the nearest crew member and thumped him in the kneecap with my stick, running away with great speed. He howled in the distance but it was already too late, the rebellion had begun.
I ran up to the main deck with my pork stocking swinging in hand. The crew surrounding me looked at me bewildered, but I knew of the ruse and they would not succeed in fooling me a second time. I let the pork fly towards the helm of the ship with great force and valor. It soared over the unpleasant crew, capturing the gaze of whomever could see it.
The captain never had a chance. The pork piled into his thigh with a solid "splat" and fell to the floor, leaving his clothes utterly soiled. I guffawed with victory and jumped over the railing thrashing my feather about trying to throttle my descent.
Unfortunately that part of the plan did not work so well. I landed on my side and broke my clavicle. It was very painful, but with great achievement comes great pain. I used my stick as a splint as I hobbled away from the airbus truly pleased with myself. I knew that these villains would not risk leaving a terrible first impression with the very indigenous population they wished to enslave, so they would have no choice but to return home to regroup and change their knickers before attempting their heinous scheme again.
And I knew they would think twice before returning to my new homeland, as they would have to deal with me again before they ever had the chance to soil this country with their pettiness.